Sometimes I sit and reflect back on my life and I wonder what was I thinking? How on earth did I do some of the things that I did? What was my motivation?
Every so often it is good to reflect on the past, but not so much that we get tangled up in a web of regret.
I look back on my years in college and I wonder who was that girl that wore a superwoman cape? I was a cheerleader, I was a choreographer in the dance company, I was VP of my sorority, I was the coordinator of Orientation Board - the group that organized the week of freshmen orientation, and I graduated summa cum laude with a double major??? Whew, makes me tired just thinking back on it.
I graduated into adult life and the path continued...I coordinated rather large chapters of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) - one in PA and one in IL. I was very active in church. I sang (tried to sing) in the choir, I taught Sunday school, I was a senior high youth group leader, I led numerous Bible studies and was a small group leader...and the list goes on!
I was a modern day Martha - running around in circles, "doing good and serving" while my other lazy sisters in Christ simply sat at Jesus' feet and drank in His words.
Serving is not a bad thing, but too much serving begs the question, "Why?" Looking back I can see that subconsciously I was compensating for a low self-esteem. Maybe if I succeed in doing all these things, I will feel better about myself. I also think that I didn't buy into the fact that God loved me just as I was.
Christ's words, "Come as you are..." (John 6:37) were lost on me. I felt like I had to perform for God in order to be fully loved. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The enemy was having a field day with me. I bought into his lies that "more is better" and resting, savoring and simply sitting at Jesus' feet was lazy. I was a striving maniac...always in "Go" mode. No time for resting, reflecting and just being. No sir, not me! I really wasn't living life as it was meant to be lived.
Satan's name means "adversary" and he is definitely adverse to anything that resembles abiding in the Lord.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10)
I was so busy serving (serving who?) that I wasn't living life. I had traded in my freedom for performance and it was slowly killing me. I believed the enemy's lies that I had to do more or I really wasn't a "good" Christian. That is the voice of condemnation and that is not how God speaks to us.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)
Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant or insecure, remember to whom you belong. (Ephesians 2:19-22)
Fortunately my God is good and over time I have become confident in the truth regarding to whom I belong. I have traded performance for freedom, striving for resting, shame for delight and death for LIFE! Less actually is more!
I do less, but I live more...I now love the time when I can sit, like Mary, at Jesus' feet and drink in His word. I believe the truth in Jeremiah 31:3. that I am loved with an everlasting love.
God is love and Love does not ask us to bury ourselves in the rat race of always doing. Love lets you truly "Come as you are." (John 6:37)