Friday, February 21, 2014

When The Answer Is, "I Don't Know."

Hey Friend,

I was recently wed on January 18, 2014.  It was a day full of joy and life and hope.  Right after the ceremony an impromptu receiving line of sorts formed.  Not surprisingly among the first to greet me, to greet us, was my best friend, Cindy, from high school.  She had traveled from New York City to little Cary, NC to share in my special day.

Squeals of joy erupted as Cindy grabbed my two hands and held them over my head as if I had just won the gold medal in finding love.  "Can you believe it?  You're married," she beamed.  Her beautiful eyes danced with joy as she enveloped me in a big bear hug.  This was Cindy - always bubbly and effervescent in her view of life.

This was my friend with whom I had shared my deepest secrets, heart throbs and heart breaks, hi jinx and escapades...Life.  It was no accident that Cindy and I would have several opportunities to interact that evening.  It was almost like God kept drawing us together. Not, unlike how He had drawn us together so many years ago.

That's why my heart ripped in two and I fell to my knees when I got the phone call that eleven days after my wedding, Cindy had collapsed due to cardiac arrest while attending a charitable fundraiser.  She went into a coma and had passed away less than a week later.  "O God, NO!" was all I could manage to say over and over.  Only weeks ago she had been fully alive and exuberant at my wedding.  This couldn't be.  It didn't make sense.

Cindy had her first cardiac arrest at the age of 27.  Three more defibrillator surgeries later, she was still seizing life and fighting for the underdog.  I remember emails from Cindy as she and her husband spent eight weeks in Xi'an China volunteering at the Starfish Foster Home.  Starfish's goal is saving lives of Chinese orphans with special medical needs. See www.starfishfosterhome.org

I could tell from her writing that they were falling in love with one particular little girl who lay there in her lonely crib with a large sac on her head and spina bifida.  This little angel was undernourished and under loved. There were only so many arms to go around.  It came as no surprise to me that Cindy and Pat decided to adopt this little girl and provide her with the life saving surgery that she so desperately needed.  This was so in keeping with Cindy's golden and loving heart.

Cindy lived the scriptures and mirrored the heart of God, who holds dear, orphans and widows.

Defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.  (Psalm 82:3)

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."  (Matthew 25:40)

Surely the life of this woman who looked after orphans in their distress was one to be saved?!

So, Why? Why did my dear friend pass away when her daughter was only six and she was doing such wonderful works to champion the cause of these little helpless ones?  My mind searched and I couldn't find an answer that made sense.  For days I've alternated between spells of crying and prayers of seeking and searching for answers.

I wish that I could offer you some definitive answer, but honestly the real answer is simply, "I don't know."  I can't pretend to know the vast mind of God.  His ways are so much bigger than our ways.  The one thing that came to mind when I prayed was Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

When I don't understand the ways of God, I need to know the heart of God.

God is good all of the time and all of the time, God is good.

Above all...God is Love!

This is what I cling to when life doesn't make sense.  God is Sovereign.  God is in control.  God is good.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.  (1 Corinthians 13:12)

On this side of Heaven's gates we only see in part.  One day we will have the answers to all our questions, but for now, we must trust.  I must trust.  I will have to sit with the not knowing.

This I do know...when I reach Heaven, Cindy will be among the first to greet me.  She'll grab my arms and hold them victoriously in the air and she'll beam as she always does.  Then she'll squeal with joy, "Can you believe it...we made it?"

Not goodbye...but till we see each other again.  I love you and miss you my dear friend...

In His love,

Bev

ps. Just a reminder that if you read my blog, know that I pray for you every morning and every evening.  May you be blessed...





14 comments:

  1. Bev,
    I've been thinking of you and praying all week long. I'm so sorry I did not respond to your email but truly that does not mean it wasn't received and I didn't instantly say a prayer for you. You share your sorrow so beautifully here. I know you are hurting and wish I could jump on a plane and hug you.
    My prayers remain with you, friend.
    I've been listening to this song all day and maybe it will bring some comfort to you ~> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY0Vz8fvIhE
    Love you and (((hugs))),
    Beth

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    1. Thanks, Beth, for the song, the prayers and the hugs...they are truly welcomed!
      Love and ((hugs)),
      Bev

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  2. So sorry to hear of your loss Bev. This post brought me tears as you shared your friendship and stories of Cindy. So did your "I don't know' reflections that were such encouragement. Thank you. Will pray for you.

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    1. Maria,
      Thanks for the prayers and encouragement! I'm glad my reflections resonated with you.
      Hugs,
      Bev

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  3. Bev, even if I'm miles away in Germany, I'll pray for you and hug you tight.

    The 'I don't know' is so well known to me. For more than 7 years one of my ears is still sick. This year I'm standing in front of my seventh surgery and I don't see and end. Sometimes it's so easy to give up and think 'Whatever... God, I have not the power to do this anymore.'
    But God doesn't give me the answer to understand, but the power to hold on.
    And even it's hard and we can't understand, we'll wait until God turns us away from the mirror to see His perfect face and understand His ways.
    Be blessed,
    Sonja

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    1. Sonja,
      Thanks so much for the hugs across the ocean! I am so sorry you have been plagued by so many surgeries. So true that God may not give us the answer to "Why?" but He will give us the power to hold on. Holding on with you...
      Blessings,
      Bev

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  4. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. You tell a beautiful story about her. May our faith be strengthened and our hearts be comforted through all the "I don't know"s.

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    1. Betsy,
      Hers was a story that needed to be told...I love God's promise in the book of John: "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you." May we all be comforted through the "I don't knows."
      Blessings,
      Bev

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  5. Bev, I am so grieved for you, this just breaks my heart to hear your friend Cindy died, and her husband lost his wife, and their little girl lost her mother. Even though I know you will see her again, I am still sorry for how much you will miss her. What a friend she is to you, and what a sweet, loving heart she was to the people she touched.

    This life has so many "I Don't Know" answers. Your declarations show your love and trust in Him; close enough to hear His heartbeat and know His intentions for you and your friend's family for ultimately for good. I shall be thinking and praying for you as the Lord leads me.

    Thank you for your prayers, I very much appreciate them.

    Hugs,

    Joanne

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    1. Joanne,
      Thank you, as always, for your love and prayers! Praying for trust that God will work all this together for good. I do pray for you every day...may you be blessed!
      ((Hugs)),
      Bev

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  6. Bev, What a devastating loss. May God comfort you as only He can. I was reading your post this week about your wedding and the wonderful husband God has sent you. I also read your daughter's lovely post. What an incredible daughter. Thank you both for using your talents to encourage us and uplift our husting souls.. Mar

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    1. Mar,
      Thank you so much for your kind words. It has been an incredible mix of emotions...but through it all, God is good. You have been an incredible encouragement to me!
      Blessings,
      Bev

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