Saturday, February 4, 2017

Craving Connection 2 - A Journey Through Life's Seasons

Hey Friend,

Given the response and the comments I've received on my previous post, I am revisiting this topic of Craving Connection.  

We were made, by God, to be in relationship. First and foremost is our relationship with God.  After that, God has put in us a desire for relationship with a partner in life and with friends of all ages, races, and nationalities.  It's just the way we are wired.  

When those connections aren't made it can make us heartsick.  Yes, ultimately, Christ is all sufficient for us and I have found there have been seasons when God needed to remove everyone from my life so that He could have my undivided attention.

I also know, that the enemy prowls about, seeking to isolate us and destroy us. Just like a lion in the wild will try to isolate a week member of the herd, the enemy does the same thing with us.  If he can get us alone, he has a better chance of his lies sinking in and his message of despair and hopelessness finding a home in a hurting heart.  

Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  (1 Peter 5:8)

That is why it is not a luxury or the cherry on top to have friends and connections, it's essential.  Now that I've said that, I will admit that making connections - extending my hand in friendship is not always easy.  Ask me to walk into a room full of people I don't know and my hands will begin to get sweaty; my blood pressure will rise; and thanks to this anxiety disorder I have, I have even been known to have panic attacks and have felt a need to flee the room.

I'm much better at one on one encounters, but to get to one on one, sometimes you have to walk into the full room - if you know what I mean.

I remember, in college, not knowing anyone on my floor.  I kind of sat back and did a study of people and tried to get a "pulse" on what made certain people tick.  I believe we are attracted to like minded individuals, so when I watched Christine from afar, I thought, perhaps, this is someone I would like to get to know.  Enter the hard part...going down to her room and introducing myself. That's right.  If there's one thing I've learned is that if I'm going to have  a friend, I can't wait for her to come to me...I have to go to her.  

I remember introducing myself and asking if I could join her for dinner in the cafeteria that night.  Thankfully she said "yes".  Thus started a long friendship. We were both looking for friendship, so we ended up joining the same sorority and wound up as roommates.  So that was a success story.  

I have extended my hand in friendship to others only to be rejected or at least the friendship not reciprocated.  I've had to learn, albeit the hard way, that this is the price you pay for finding kindred spirits.  It doesn't mean you are a loser, it just means you haven't found the right friend yet.

When I was young and newly married, I easily found friendships through work and with neighbors in the townhouses in which we lived.  Besides, I was a young newlywed so friendships were great, but not something on which I depended.

Enter the season in life, however, when with a newborn baby (my first), I found myself relocated to the Mid West, in a town where I knew no one, in January, amidst one of their nastiest winters.  This is when depression greeted me for the first time.  I was like a sitting duck for the enemy.  My hormones were everywhere.  I had experienced several major life stresses at once, and basically I was a mess.

I prayed earnestly to God for friendships.  I knew I needed a lifeline.  I needed others I could ask questions about how I was to raise this little person who demanded all my time and didn't come with instructions.  

Enter my neighbor, who though she had older children, had a friend who was the coordinator of a group called MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers).  The nice Welcome Wagon lady also came to my door and invited me to the Newcomers meetings.  Sweaty palms, racing heart, fussy baby and all, I mustered all I had and went.  

One thing my mother told me has always stuck with me...ask people questions about themselves.  A good conversationalist asks lots of questions.  No one likes a person who goes on and on about themselves ad nauseam.

To say that Newcomers and MOPS, especially, were lifesavers for me, would be an understatement.  For women with children birth - 5 years of age (even if you have older children but still have one in this age group you are welcome). Through two more moves MOPS became my gateway to connection.  I found Christian women who were real, like me, and also were craving connection and some adult conversation.


When I moved to NC and my children were 4 and 9 I was moving out of the preschool set and I found myself thrown back in time to college days.  I was going to have to observe and seek out someone with whom I could relate. Fortunately many of us were newcomers in our neighborhood.  I thank God for the one woman who had the gift of hospitality and she invited all of us new folk to her house for coffee.  

That's where I met Claire.  I can't exactly remember who extended the hand first, but we've been close friends for 20 years.  She recently moved to Florida, however, and I'll say losing close connection with friends is a grieving process unto itself.  

I will say that finding a church where you feel at home is also crucial.  That is one of the first things I seek out - I'm like a heat seeking missile when it comes to that.  It may take time, but a church is a gateway to Bible studies, small groups, and other forms of community.

Slowly, over time, I built a comfortable circle of friends.  All was good.  Life was fitting like that old shoe except for my marriage which suddenly ended one day when my husband simply up and left.  To say my world was turned on its head (again) would be an understatement.  Divorce, by far, is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.  Single parenting is downright HARD!!  

I also found that some friends that we had as a couple disappeared into the woodwork.  Other married friends were busy with their families and weekends became a lonely nightmare.  

Here I was back to square one again... having to seek out like minded and similarly situated individuals.  

I have discovered that God will put people in my path, but it is up to me to take that scary step of extending my hand in friendship.

Sweaty palmed and anxious, I ventured into building connections with three other separated and divorced women.  We became what we called, "The Perseverance Posse".  If there was ever a time I needed friendship, this was it. I really relied on these women and my married friends who stuck with me.  I would have never made it through had I not had these women in my life.  I thank God for them all the time.

So here I am now, an empty-nester who runs a non-profit ministry from home. I am by myself most of the day, except for the company of my trusty beagle, Topper. I can be a bit of a loner, at times, so I don't mind being alone.  In fact I rather enjoy it, but how much alone time is good?  How much is dangerous?

Thankfully I am remarried to a wonderful, godly man, but I still crave connection with other women.  It's harder to make coffee dates and such so I have found an on line community of women through a Christian group called (in)courage.  

The wonderful group of writers at (in)courage put out a daily blog/devotion that I read and comment on religiously.  


They have also just released a wonderful book called, not surprisingly, "Craving Connection".  Each short chapter written by a different writer includes ways to build connection, avenues to join and have community, and opportunities to engage with others and ....yes, even some challenges.

I invite you to join us (yes, I'll be there) starting on FEB. 7th as we will go through 5 weeks of short chapters and challenges.  I am hoping to find some new, fresh, creative ways to make connections.

As I've tried to point out here, craving and building connection is a lifelong journey.  It may look different in the changing seasons of our lives, but the necessity and even the command by God remains.  

Will you join us?  I really hope so!!  

And now the winner of my giveaway drawing for a free copy of "Craving Connection":
Dawn B. - Woohoo!

If you didn't win, please pick up a copy at your favorite bookseller and join us, won't you?  We were not meant to be islands unto ourselves, so lets roll up our sleeves and dig in together shall we?

I will be praying for you as you are brave in building connection.  I hope you will find connection here at my blog as well.  All who are real, honest, and not afraid to be a little vulnerable are welcome...

Be blessed...



36 comments:

  1. Hi Bev.
    I love when you have a new post! Although I can't really identify with your situation, I loved seeing your journey and a piece of your heart. I've pretty much stayed put and my circle of friends has remained the same. 4 of my closest friends, however, have moved across the country. Thank goodness for texting and phone calls to bring them close! I have a special needs daughter, so some of my friends came out of that situation....in trying to find help (and often sanity) in our very stressful situations. I love how you pointed out that God will often put people in our path and it's up to us to reach out. I'm sure I have missed some grand opportunities at a neat friendship because I was not willing to pursue it. Thank you for your reminder today that we should never miss that opportunity to extend the hand!
    Blessings to you on this beautiful Sunday!
    Melinda

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    1. Melinda,
      Thank you for handing in there with my erratic posts :) Oh, I know I've missed some great opportunities when God has placed people in my path and I haven't acted upon His urging on my heart. I am trying to be more "in tune" with Him. I'm joining with www.incourage.me and the challenge they've extended today. So thankful you have wonderful and supportive friends for your daughter...what a blessing! Thank you for taking the time to share...
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  2. Love this truth: "but to get to one on one, sometimes you have to walk into the full room." It can be hard for me too, to walk into a full room as a stranger, especially if the others seem to all know each other already. But we never know what treasures lie hidden in a particular person or persons that we can mine, once we get to know them and they get to know us. Thanks for sharing this, Bev!

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    1. Lisa,
      That truth has really hit home with me over the years. I do fear a full room at times...but it's often the path I need to go through to find those one on one connections. With God for me, who can be against me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and together let's keep looking for those hidden treasures!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  3. So appreciate your wise advice to reach out to that potential friend and not take it personally if she doesn't seem interested. As you said, that doesn't make me a loser, it just means I haven't found the right friend yet. It's been on my mind to invite a woman-acquaintance to coffee. What am I waiting for?! Thanks for the little push in the right direction, Bev!

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    1. Nancy,
      It has really taken some time for me to accept that not everyone wants to be my friend :( I have had to go through several "no's" to get to that valuable "yes"! I say "go for it" in inviting that acquaintance to coffee. She might need it even more than you do!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  4. Oh sweet friend! You described me above. We have lived parallel lives to some extent. I am also the girl who stands on the edge looking in until I have a handle on what is going on. I am the one who gets anxious around new people. I am the one whose life turned upside down through divorce. SO when are we meeting for coffee???

    Love you sweet Bev!

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    1. Mary,
      We DO need to meet as our lives have many parallels and we could certainly chat and sip coffee for hours!! Any chance you are going to She Speaks by Proverbs 31 in NC in July?? I'm going :) We do need to meet up in real life SOON! Even thinking of walking into She Speaks (even though I'm sure all the women are friendly) leaves my palms a little sweaty...
      Blessings sweet friend,
      Bev xo

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  5. Bev, I so appreciate the transparency of your post. As a military wife, we made 3 moves in the first 2 1/2 years of marriage. I was uprooted from the community I'd been part of for years. Learning to rebuild those connections was hard. In the process, God also took me through a season where He didn't allow any deep connections to grow, because I had come to rely on those more than on Him. As I came to terms with this, and I began to seek Him more whole-heartedly, He began to bring deeper friendships into my life.

    God created us to be interdependent. Though it sometimes feels easier to go it alone, it's when we reach out to others (as you so bravely did!) that God brings depth and fulfillment. Loved your post and your links today!

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    1. Jeanne,
      You make a great point that we, too often, come to depend on friendships more than we rely on Him. Our God is a jealous God who will have no other "gods" before Him. If we aren't in right relationship with Him, He'll make some adjustments. So true that God created us to be inderdependent and sometimes that means laying aside our pride in wanting to or feeling we have to go it alone. Love your insights!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  6. I'm with you, friend ... it can be so incredibly difficult to walk into that room, that unknown situation, that uncertain environment.

    Yet the more I focus on the other souls around me, the easier it gets. 'Cause when all is said and done, it wasn't about me at all. It was about Him.

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    1. Linda,
      Amen! It wasn't (isn't) all about me...it's all about Him. Maybe that can be my reminder when my palms get sweaty before I walk into that crowded room. "Lord, I claim this is all about You...let's roll..." Love it!
      Always such wisdom friend,
      Bev xx

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  7. I agree, it is hard to walk into a room of unknown faces seeking connection, and it is a risk to reach out to someone, not knowing how they will respond. It is worth it though when we find that deep connection with the right person.

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    1. Lesley,
      Keep our eyes on the prize. Yes, there will be some rejection, but the Creator of the Universe has our back. It is so worth it when we find that deep connection with people. Thanks for sharing!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  8. Bev, thank you for these words. I am somewhat isolated much of the time and am 69. I am married to my best friend, yet we do very little outside of us. I have been craving to a slight degree the connections and will spend time with God for what He has for me. Thanks for encouraging me. ~ linda

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    1. Linda,
      I, too, am married to my best friend and it's easy to just get caught up in us. I often have to urge myself outside my easy comfort zone and make the time for friendships. Life has taught me that we need those friendships for when trials and sorrows come. God beckons you to come and ask Him what He would have you do...great direction in which to go. Thank you so much for sharing!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  9. This connection thing is huge, amen? xo Visiting from Holley's today.

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    1. Susan,
      Yes, indeed, and it is always morphing and changing...still we need that connection. Thanks for popping in dear friend.
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  10. Bev, I enjoyed your stories of friendship. MOPS was a saving grace for me too! I won a copy of Craving Connection at another blog. Can't wait to dig into the truths.

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    1. Sarah,
      So glad you won a copy!! Isn't MOPS wonderful. I wished they had the sequel...MOT's (Mothers of Teenagers)...boy could I have used that!! I'll be digging in with you to Craving Connection.
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  11. Even though I'm more of an introvert, I've always needed close friends in my life. I've struggled like you, Bev, in certain seasons of my life to find someone I "connected with" but I now enjoy so many rich and godly friendships that it's hard to make time for them all. Great topic, my friend and one that I truly resonate with!

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    1. Beth,
      What a true blessing to have so many rich friendships that it's hard to make time for them all. That speaks to what kind of wonderful friend YOU are!!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  12. Wow! This post spoke to me right where I am at! I have had seasons of friendships. The best years were my homeschooling/MOPs years where our family was part of a Bible study with people our age with the same children. The church we attended always had opportunities for fellowship. It was a very blessed time.

    But now we are attending a different church that isn't close to our home; we are recent empty nesters, and it is as if we have come full circle from when we moved here almost 35 years ago not knowing anyone.

    For men it seems to not bother them as much not to have friends, but for women, me included, I am definitely feeling lonely, and especially at my age, I don't want life to pass me by or to miss out on friendships because of my own anxiety over new people and situations and/or rejection.

    Your post gave much encouragement and I appreciate so much you sharing it.

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    1. Karen,
      Yes, life and friendships do have a way of coming full circle. That's kind of where I am right now. I have fewer friends but treasure those I have and need to make time for them. Men, are different creatures...Amen?! They seem to be able to go along without the friendships, but we women crave them. I will be praying that God will put a/some women in your path and that you will be brave enough to extend your hand in friendship. Thank you for sharing so honestly here. God knows the desires of your heart and He will provide. As for the anxiety...remember YOU are a person worthy and worth knowing. God says so!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  13. I'm going through this book at the moment. I love your words: I have discovered that God will put people in my path, but it is up to me to take that scary step of extending my hand in friendship.

    Last week a lady in town (a vague acquaintance) put out an invite to anyone who would like to make a new friend to meet at the library. About 9 ladies showed up - and though I found it hard to go, I am glad I did. None of the ladies were in my circle of friends so it expanded me and my circle of connection in this town. There will be such a get together every week. I am pleased that the lady put out the invite, but also challenged to take such initiatives myself.

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    1. Belinda,
      Yay for YOU!! Way to go. Yes, God will put people in our paths and He will even give us a little nudge from behind, but ultimately it's up to us to extend that hand in friendship. So glad to hear your success story. I'd say you are off on a whole new wonderful adventure in cultivating community. Good for you...keep us posted!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  14. Standing there on the edge of things along with you, friend -- and trying to "outgrow" that tendency. It's time for me to step up and be the brave one who welcomes others who feel that THEY are on the edges. Maybe we all feel that way, at time? Thanks for words that call me to the center of things.

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    1. Michele,
      Sometimes I think it's the enemy whispering in our ear telling us we are outsiders...edge dwellers. Here's to stepping up and being, as you said, the brave ones who welcome others who feel like they are on the edges.
      Blessings and always appreciate your perspective,
      Bev xx

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  15. Yay, Congratulations Dawn! :) -- Bev, what a beautifully vulnerable post. I think the times we need community the most are also the times it's hardest to put ourselves out there. Thanks for sharing these encouraging words today, friend. (We need to get together again soon, it's been a while!) I need to go check out the craving community study. :) As always, thanks for sharing with #ChasingCommunity, Bev. You're a blessing. ((xoxo))

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    1. Brenda,
      How true that we need community when it's hard to put ourselves out there. Perhaps that's are cue to step up our game when things are going well?! Yes, we do need to get together soon - once I get over this flu crud :( Loved linking up this am!
      Blessings and hugs sweet friend,
      Bev xo

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  16. First of all.... THANK YOU for the chance to win the book Craving Connection. I had just admired a friend's copy and decided to buy one when I got the email saying I won your drawing. :) Yay! Thanks again.

    Secondly, So much of what you said I totally get. So much I can only empathize because I have not been down your road. But the reaching out and the longing for kindred spirits is such a deep and personal need. I love the way you are making connections here, Bev, and extending a literal hand of grace. :)
    Blessings!
    Dawn

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    1. Dawn,
      You're most welcome. I'm glad you won - that was good timing! I have learned that our entire life we are making connections. Though I might have forgone some of the circumstances of my life, I would never changes the friendships they brought about. Always a silver lining :)
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  17. Thanks Bev for exploring the importance of connection. God didn't plan for us to be alone and wants us to live in connection to Him and others around us. Refreshing reminders for us all!

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    1. Jill,
      So true that the connection is two fold - first out connection (up and down you might say) between us and our Heavenly father and then outward (left to right between us and the people God puts in our lives). Glad you found refreshment here!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  18. Bev, thanks for sharing so much of your story which really shows how much we need connection in our lives. I'm so thankful for the friends and family God has given me along the way. Blessings to you! I'm your neighbor at #DanceWithJesus.

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    1. Gayl,
      Thanks so much for popping over from Susan's place. Don't you love the connections we bloggers can make out here in the blogosphere?! Joining with you in thankfulness for the connections I've been blessed to make along life's path.
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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