Friday, February 10, 2017

True Hope For The Perfectionist

Hey Friend,

Recently I found my heart resonating with a piece by Mallory Manning, writer and blogger.  She was talking about perfectionism - something that I thought I had licked. What I've learned is that our nemesis may not go away that easily, but there truly is hope.  

Mallory writes:

"I feel like I can't uphold my end of the deal."

What deal did I make?  Who was involved in this deal that I don't even remember making?

Me, I make deals with myself all the time.  I will be punctual.  I will remember to send birthday cards.  I won't let anyone down.

In some form, things like maintaining our commitments and celebrating others reflects the loyalty and intentionality of Christ.  But instead of honoring God with my reliability, I often desire to meet expectations to maintain my image and prevent others' judgments.  So I make deals with myself, shaking hands with perfectionism.

But you know one truth I'm continually learning?  I will never be able to uphold my end of the deal and that's precisely the point.

*******
I found some of Mallory's points to be spot on.  You see, as a member of "Perfectionists Anonymous", I get this.  Having spent a good part of my life trying to earn what was already mine through Christ, I know what a trap perfectionism an be.  

Christ died not so that we would "owe Him something" through our actions, but so that we could walk in FREEDOM.

Let me say it a different way...Christ died to set us free.  Being a perfectionist = being a prisoner.

One other thing that my perfectionistic ways uncovered was a nasty little stumbling block called "pride".  Funny how pride is often at the root of so many of our problems?!

By my continual striving and attempts to earn my salvation, I was in essence saying that what Christ did was not enough - that I still needed to do something above and beyond what He did.  That's pride.  When Christ sacrificially breathed out those last words, "It is finished,"  He meant it was complete.  

There is nothing more for us to do, but to walk in the freedom for which He laid down His life.

I have found a scripture that is like a soothing balm to the struggling perfectionist who wants to leave those ways behind and walk in the freedom that Christ intended.  It is found, interestingly enough, in this well known segment of scripture...

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves.  For my yoke is easy and My burden is light."  (Matthew 11:28-29)

Usually we associate these verses with someone who is going through a rough time, is weary, and needs the rest that only Christ can provide.  This may be true, but the real gist of Jesus' words here are this:

If you are weary and burdened by living under the weight of the Old Covenant, with its legalism and its laws, come to me because I can give you rest.  There is a new way of living.

If you are tired of living under the judging eye of others, let God be the judge and if you have accepted Christ, you are perfect in His eyes.  Human evaluations no longer matter.

Perfectionism, by the way, is weighted down by legalism and laws - a kind of get it right or else attitude.

Jesus bids us lovingly, "take up my yoke (the New Covenant that is based on grace and not on merit) and learn from me."  

Unlike the heavy yoke of the law that we continue to fall and stumble beneath, Jesus gives us a new, lighter yoke, of the New Covenant of grace and forgiveness.

"Because I am gentle and humble in heart and, In me, you will find rest for yourselves."  

No more having to make deals with ourselves because we feel like we will disappoint God or disappoint others.  Jesus is gentle and humble...He doesn't make deals.

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

If you feel like you are continually struggling under a heavy burden to "get it right or else", chances are you are wearing the wrong yoke.  I get like this sometimes - so frustrated with letting myself down, others down, God down.

That's when my dear husband looks me square in the eye and says, "Bev, you don't have to be perfect."

That is my cue...my reminder to set aside the pride I have unwittingly picked back up and put on.  That's my cue to lift off the heavy yoke of the Old Covenant- with all its burdens and laws and slip into the light yoke of Jesus - the one that says...

"It's finished.  There's nothing more for you to do.  I did it all.  Now go and walk in the freedom that I've paid the price for."

Do you struggle with perfectionism?  Do you ever feel like you are held to a higher standard than everyone else?  Do you find it hard to be easy on yourself? What's preventing you from taking in the freeing Truth of Jesus' words?

Dear Heavenly Father, Forgive me for the pride that says that I can do this on my own - that somehow I can earn your love and my salvation. Help me to take in the Truth that there is NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT unless it is me being seen by You through the blood of Jesus.  That is the one and only way.  Help me not to continually stumble beneath a heavy yoke of laws, legalism, and perfectionism.  Enable me to live in freedom under the yoke of your New Covenant.  You died so that I could dance....let me dance in freedom knowing I am loved by you no matter what because you paid the price for my mistakes.  Let me strive less and abide and rest more in You.  Thank you Lord and it's in Your name I pray, Amen.

Be blessed...

ps.  Come and check out some of the new news and happenings with Redeemer Christian Foundation, Inc.  See the faces of lives that are being transformed because they too are living under the freedom of the New Covenant!!  



32 comments:

  1. Bev, oh the faces of the children who are being reached because of RCF! May God continue to grow RCF and provide all that is needed in the days ahead! Blessings!

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    1. Jpanne,
      Don't their faces just make your day...Little Anosh was such an angry and hurting little boy before he came to school and now to see his heart filled with the love of Christ and joy on his face, is what makes me do what I do :) Thanks for your prayers!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  2. I struggle with perfectionism also. You've given me a rally cry against it: "Set aside the pride; in Jesus abide." O God, remind me to dance in the freedom of the "pre-approved" (from Jennifer D. Lee's blog and book) and not be concerned about the approval of others. Thank you, Bev!

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    1. Nancy,
      I love your rally cry!! Jennifer is the best - yes, we are "pre-approved" by Christ - no other approval needed. Glad you found some encouragement here :)
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  3. So wonderful to have a truth-telling husband and to read words like Mallory's on the web. Thanks, Bev, for sharing your own struggle with perfectionism because it shows me my own heart!

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    1. Michele,
      I am so thankful for my hubby who sets me straight!! I know a lot of us struggle with this foe. Thankful you found some encouragement here! Happy Hearts Day!!
      Bev xo

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  4. Good stuff, Bev! That whole pursuit of perfectionism is such a drag, an endless, futile path to frustration. If we can just learn to make our goal to please Him {one of my favorite verses!}, our strivings would cease, our joy would increase.

    Thank you for this gracious prompt today, friend ...

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    1. Linda,
      "A futile path to frusteation." Amen. Yet I still find myself wandering down its path. May we all get better at following God's path of grace and mercy. Happy Hearts Day!
      Bev xo

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    2. Linda,
      "A futile path to frusteation." Amen. Yet I still find myself wandering down its path. May we all get better at following God's path of grace and mercy. Happy Hearts Day!
      Bev xo

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  5. Perfectionism has been a huge piece of my identity all my life. In fact, I fall into that area on the enneagram test if you are familiar with that. It has been my nemesis, stronghold but also a positive over the years. I needed to be reminded again that I don't have to work so hard because Jesus cleared the slate and redeemed me when He died on the cross. I am still learning how to let go of my perfectionism. I am a work in progress for sure!

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    1. Mary,
      I hear you...oh how long I've struggled with this. What really convicted me was that perfectionism is basically pride at its core. It has helped me "give up the perfection" and see it in a negative light when I look at the pride. Praying for you/us!! Happy Hearts Day sweet friend!
      Bevxo

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    2. Mary,
      I hear you...oh how long I've struggled with this. What really convicted me was that perfectionism is basically pride at its core. It has helped me "give up the perfection" and see it in a negative light when I look at the pride. Praying for you/us!! Happy Hearts Day sweet friend!
      Bevxo

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  6. Hello, my name is Jeanne, and I am a recovering perfectionist . . . I've had the same struggles you describe, Bev. I once had an older woman in my life tell me I should be a little easier on myself. I held myself to such high standards that it wasn't If I fell short, but When I fell short. I didn't know how to release myself from those standards back in that day. I'm learning that as I accept God's grace for me, His love that covers my mistakes, it's easier to live in His grace rather than as a slave to my own expectations. And pride? Yeah, don't get me started on that one. :)

    Beautiful post!

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    1. Hi Jeanne, I'm Bev...also a recovering perfectionist.
      Many people have told me to be easier on myself. I think the perfectionist holds themselves to impossible standards and therefore always feels defeated. I don't believe that is how God intended for us to live. Accepting that His love covers our mistakes is so freeing, isn't it? I love this - "It's easier to live in His grace rather than as a slave to my own expectations." Thank you!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  7. I wish I could say I've been completely ridden of my perfectionist self. Sadly, no, but I've come a long way. I am still learning that it's okay to fail. It's hard for me to shrug off the dirt and accept God's grace and begin again. Thank so much for sharing!

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    1. Barbie,
      For ALL fall short....we all make mistakes over and over again. I loved Jeanne's quote above - choosing grace over our own expectations. Praying this will seep into all of us - you included!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  8. I feel like you and I are on similar pages today, Bev. There is so much that we try to do and be to please the Father when He's already said He loves and is pleased with us. I'm reading through a book with my small group on grounding our identity in Christ and this is one of the ways many of the women--myself included--struggle. Why is it that we think we can improve on the perfect work of God in our hearts? Like you said, it's all about pride. Thanks for this reminder, my friend! Great thoughts!

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    1. Beth,
      So what makes us think that we always have to go one step farther when God has already said, "I'm pleased with you...in fact I delight in you."? Yes, grounding our identity in Christ. I am already perfect because of what He has already done. We can't improve upon what He has already accomplished. We all need a good reminder - myself included!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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    1. Susan,
      Don't they just melt your heart?! They are what keeps me doing what I am doing!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  10. Oh how I can relate. I've spent much of my life being prisoner to perfectionism. It's easy to get sucked into the trap of being "enough." But, life sure is sweeter, and more authentic when we live in the freedom of God's grace.

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    1. oops, accidentally pressed enter. :) -- Good words for my heart this morning (a heart that stayed up until 2 a.m., trying to format my post -- perfectly. sigh. Baby steps. :) -- Thanks for sharing with #ChasingCommunity, friend. xoxo

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    2. Brenda,
      Oh how the enemy lies and tells us we won't be content or we won't be enough unless we get it (whatever "it" is perfect). When, as you pointed out, in reality life is sweeter and more authentic when we live in the freedom of God's grace. The chains of perfectionism really hold us to the ground when we were meant to fly...Love your new link up :)
      Blessings,
      Bev xoxo

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    3. I like that analogy of being chained to the ground. Such little impact we're able to have in that short distance between the chain and the ground. Perfectionism is paralyzing, isn't it. I'm learning to shoot for excellence rather than perfection. -- Thanks for your faithfulness to all that you do, Bev. I admire you, friend. <3

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  11. Perf is a prison, that is for sure - and when I indulge, I'm indulging in self-preservation or self-adulation - nasty! and not freedom at all. (and keeps me awake at night, besides.) thank you!

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    1. Sue,
      Amen, perfectionism is a prison AND it is in no way good for our sleep or our health. Shall we just drop it??
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  12. I am so grateful when my husband says those things to me, reminding me that it is ok...to let go of the ideals that I set. And this prison we build around ourselves is exactly that, a set of invisible walls that keep us from moving beyond and reaching out to others in the freedom grace provides.

    Great reminders, Bev!
    Blessings!
    Dawn

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    1. Dawn,
      Perfectionism isolates because we don't want to let anyone else in on our hidden or masked imperfect world. God made us for community so we can't be "perfect" and be in community with others at the same time. I continually pray that God would have me let go of the trying to be perfect and choose the "real" found in connection and community. I love that my husband will help me get a grip on myself when I get caught up in the perfection seeking tornado. Here's to reaching out in freedom and grace! Thanks for sharing!!
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  13. I too am a recovering perfectionist. Thank God that Christ came to give us freedom and we no longer have to work for something we can never achieve. Thanks for the message.

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    1. Theresa,
      Welcome to the club. I suspect there are a lot of us recovering perfectionists out there. Amen that Christ came to give us freedom so that we no longer have to work for something we can never achieve!! Let's walk in that freedom together, shall we?
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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  14. Bev, From one recovering perfectionist to another........I can so relate to all that you talk about in this post. I still remember the day the Lord revealed to me that my perfectionism was pride. Thank goodness for the freedom we have in Christ. I struggle still in so many ways with perfectionism and it’s wise words like these that you share that help me keep taking the next step. Saving this link and I’ll share it, too.

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    1. Leslie,
      I didn't like it either the day God revealed that my perfectionism was not pleasing to Him, but instead was the sin of pride...oouch! I'm so thankful we have an understanding and forgiving God. He does want us to walk in freedom and, like you, I find it easy to slip back into old ways. Praying for you and together we'll just keep taking those next steps...
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

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